i wish

I have not blog posted in a while! School and work and life have been busy lately!

Before my first episode in university (happened first year final exams), I was a star in the lab. You could ask me anything, tell me anything, and I could do it, no questions asked. I loved being in that lab and I loved school. I still love school, it’s just a very different experience for me now.

I could think quick back then. If you gave me a problem, I could find a solution in ten or twenty minutes. I loved this about myself.

But then, I had my first episode, and everything in me changed. I remember when I was completing my degree years later, I became so anxious in the lab. I didn’t know what anything really was. I was scared to use the tools. It took me so much longer to figure things out and I had to ask a zillion questions.

I wish I could think as quick as I used to. I wish, when I received a problem, I could solve it fast, like I did back then. That isn’t me anymore.  And in some ways, I embraced this.  But sometimes, it does make me sad. I loved how academic I was before. How amazingly awesome I was in the lab. How you could give me a problem and I could think of an answer in minutes. Sometimes I can still do that, but not quite like before. It takes me a lot longer now.

To be honest, I am okay with who I am now. Like my book says, I embraced my illness and this part of me. And life might be a little harder now, but that doesn’t stop me, and it never will.