let go

After years of reflection, you think I would have figured this out by now. Recently, I realized, that I am very in control of everything in my life. I then recognized that the reason of this is my fear of going back to that teenager and young adult who was so out of control in the background.

My illness – pre, during and post diagnosis – was absolutely and utterly terrifying, and I never, ever want to go back there.

I know that I am in a very different place then I was when I was that lost kid – she was scared, mad and tired, and she spiralled and lost all control of reality and her life.

I don’t think I can explain in words how petrified I am of relapsing. This feeling is deep in my soul, and I don’t think it will ever fully diminish.

I am beginning to let go of the idea that I may relapse.

I am healthy, happy and tough, and I know I can handle whatever life throws at me now. I am a different person with a different mind then that young person.

I also recognize, you can’t control everything in life. I think if we do, we disservice ourselves and don’t really live our lives like we should.

I will do my best to let go, but I am human, and flawed. I flow into and out of many different moods and feelings and emotions, as we all do.

I will try my best to let go of that fear, and I hope one day that young person will be left where she should be, in the past.

One thought on “let go

  1. Wow, Samantha you nailed this post, you are absolutely right on everything you said, the best was your closing sentence, leave it in the past, where it should be. You are Amazing.


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