maybe i don’t want it

I remember when I was younger, I was so in love with a friend of mine.

He ended up marrying someone else, having a family and then divorcing.

Trust me, it broke my heart.

He wanted the world of money and power and success and a beautiful partner, an expensive place to live and trips around the world, oh and prestige.

Still to this day, I miss the person he was when I knew him.

I saw who he was and loved everything about him, without all the “stuff.”

I am so sad I lost him, but I am so happy for him today.

Just to note, I would never date him now.

What I know, I don’t want that world.

I knew that when I was fifteen, when I was studying Buddhism on my spare time.

I am successful, have money, can take trips around the world, which I am grateful for. And I love expressing myself through fashion. Oh, and attending some fun events.

But I pick up the garbage in front of my office, I’ve cleaned the toilets there, and I empty the garbage when the cleaners don’t come in on the weekend.

I do have someone clean my home, that’s because I am busy, and I’ve cleaned for 41 years, I am tired of it, I guess. Part of me also wants to support her.

I don’t want to be part of the world where it’s about image.

It’s okay if you want that, I won’t judge you, but it’s just not for me.

I want to be that person living in Toronto, who walks out of her condo, and no one cares about her.

But then the person who speaks at an event there or writes a blog post here, and let’s people in and shares her deepest and darkest secrets.

I want to be:

The person, who still has that young girl in her heart, who worked at fourteen in her dad’s office and worked two jobs in the summers and understands the value of money.

The person, who used every single penny of her savings to live in Toronto and get her four year degree, even when she was scared and ran out of money at the end.

The person, who understands that one day you can have everything and the next, absolutely nothing.

The person, who knows that the person who doesn’t have a home deserves one just like her and matters just as much or even more than her.

The person, who knows she has privilege.

I am the person, who doesn’t forget what her grandparents sacrificed to be here.

I am the person that doesn’t gossip about people or talk down to anyone, but the person who relearns math and philosophy with her best friend.

I am the person, who tries to be a better person every day, but understands that I am not perfect and make a lot of mistakes. But still gives herself grace.

I am the person, who hopes and dreams and loves everyone she meets with her whole heart. Because she understands people could be gone tomorrow.

I am the person, who knows that all the money and power and image and success in the world won’t give you what you truly need. And it won’t make you happy in the end.

Something we don’t realize until it’s too late.