After my experience of assault when I was young, I started to change a lot. In my mind I thought this would protect me. In hindsight, it didn’t make much sense.
Can one event alter your entire life?
I was recently working on succession at work, and I said in discussion, that I am so tired now, how will I be in 15 years.
I find mental illness is sometimes minimized. However, I went through about 10 years of deep and horrible pain. And I am still tired, not every day but some days.
It’s somewhat unexplainable when you are twenty and processing something you should not have to process at that age.
How can your life be altered by just one event?
I put 150% into most of what I do. Some may see this as a fault or flaw, I did. However, I am starting to see this as a strength. It has served me well in my life (as my counsellor has said). I never quit or stop unless I really have to or I may stop for a little bit of time but then I am right back in it.
I may be tired, but that doesn’t mean I will stop fighting. I might just take a little break here and there.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully process what I have been through. I might be able to live with that.
In relationships, emotionally I put in 150%. And I don’t know if my mind can handle this. Maybe because of my past, my experience with assault and my illness, because I am exhausted from the effort, just tired in general or maybe I am just content as I am.
One thing I have realized though is through all this processing and reflection, I will never sacrifice my advocacy and openness for anyone.
I do wonder…
Can your life change with each and every thought, in each and every second, and by each and every event?