For my first university degree, while I was on a Letter of Permission, I actually failed a course. I knew I was going to fail the course by the drop date. I could have dropped the course, but because I was so lost and broken, I didn’t drop the course. I just continued on and failed the course. It didn’t even phase me at all, mostly because I was completely not in this world. I tried to appeal but appealing it while still struggling was not the best decision. My appeal was denied. I don’t even think I mentioned in the appeal that I knew I was going to fail by the drop date.
Try completing a university degree while completely in the middle of an illness, it is difficult enough when you are healthy and in a good state of mind. If I could back though, I would have done things much differently.
When I was doing my Masters, I decided to stop about mid-way through, as I wasn’t being treated properly. When I was on the Letter of Permission when I failed that course many years ago, I also wasn’t treated properly at the school and I stayed and continued my education. Years later, when I started my Masters, I knew the right way I wanted to be treated and if the school could not treat me properly and understand my disability, then I would not put up with it. So, I left. I was stronger and more confident and recovered, and in the end, I actually just changed my mind and had the strength to know that was okay.
I have always been a bit of a perfectionist. If I start something, I finish it. I have learned there is some peace in just being free of always trying to attain perfection.
Now that I am recovered, I know that I can change my mind, and there is a sense of empowerment in knowing that if I want to change my mind, I can.
Every time I run something like a half marathon or a marathon, people are always amazed by it, like it is something so great, such an amazing accomplishment.
However, the way I look at it, a 5K is just as important. It is a big deal and an accomplishment when you walk or run a 5K. And that is why I always push people to run or walk their first race. I decided that I wanted to change my marathon to a 5K. Look at runners who run 500 meters, it is still an accomplishment, no matter what distance. I think we forget this sometimes. If you get up and walk or run, that is what matters, not the distance.
In this case, I was treated great by everyone, so that was not the issue this time! However, my body and mind were telling me something. I am feeling amazing, I am not injured, and my body feels really good even after my 30K run. This is when I thought to myself, it is okay to change your mind sometimes.
Life is not perfect, and you do not have to be perfect. I am not perfect, and I do not have to be perfect. I have the confidence now to know that if I want to change my mind, I can change my mind.
I am honestly so happy I ran another 5K and that is why I always motivate people to sign up for a race. Wake up and walk or run, in the end, that is really all you have to do.
samantha mercanti 